Tears in April

 

Maybe April Mop is something fun for some people.
But this is just not the April Mop. This is the April Fools.
It fools...because I was hoping and expecting too much...

Hi…

This is an unhappy me as you can see in the title. I actually don’t wanna make or tell a bad story in this blog. But I don’t have any friends to be told…

I know that I’m not the only person who has the problem in this world. There’s also another person who has a sadness and problem even bigger and more than I got. But I’m just so sad this month. It’s like the sadness just comes to me day by day.

In the early month, I get so much pain in my head. I don’t know why and I couldn’t tell anyone. Till I decided to hold it alone till 3 days later and makes me miss some tasks :(

When the pandemic comes, I have so many tasks such as paper, journal review, video presentation, also online class, online meeting, and other tasks from community and organizations. I don’t regret joining that community or the organization, but sometimes, when I’m sick…I can't tell anyone while they keep giving me the task :( and when I’ve ever been so excited to make a program then no one joined it! it hurts me so much :( I gave so much effort to make a concept for that program but NO ONE even response or appreciate it. For me, being unappreciated is a kind of bullying. The simple way to bully someone is don’t appreciate them and make them feel worse.

Also for video presentation in class, I wasn’t sleeping to make a video :( but when the discussion time comes, classmates even ain’t watching that video and asking the questions which not relate with what I and my group presentation are told.

My lecturers are the same. We have to join an online class and spending so much data on it :( Besides that, we have to do difficult and many tasks too. Sometimes, I sleep late and can’t wake up early. I’ve ever missed the class because of it :( While I and my classmates should do the difficult task, those tasks even don’t get the corrections. The task is just processed in a plagiarism checker without the lecturer read it carefully. And the same task keeps being given. It frustrates me. I even don’t know the task that I did is true or not.

There’s also the type of lecturers who never give the lesson but tasks keep having the deadline every week. Even I don’t understand the topic of those tasks. There’s no feedback in every task too. But that task will keep being uploaded till the last week. I even cant have a free day. Every day is about tasks. Every breath’s out hale means every task’s coming.

This stress makes my acne grows up. I have a brand new acnes every week. It’s so frustrating. It hurts and itches too. But if I keep touching it, it will be worst. I’m so shy about my face now. I also can’t sleep freely to keep my cheeks straight up and not touching the pillow :(

This frustrating situation makes me being so lazy for a day. I’ve ever done one mistake and I promised myself to not doing it anymore. You know, as I’ve ever said in my other blog, I’ve ever slept for 24 hours non-stop :( It made me sick too. I felt so bad about it. After 20 years of living, it was the laziest day.

When I’m so lazy and have a bad mood, there are a lot of stupid netijen in social media. who keep stating the words that they even don’t understand the meaning or keep arguing something uncertain. Too many debates that I’ve seen, makes me can’t ignore it. I wanna give my opinion too. But as much the opinions that I gave as much the anger that I felt and as much my feeling being worse :(

When my feeling is worse, the sadness’ still coming. I always check my email every day. I realized that I rejected from the internship program that I’ve registered. I also failed to get the scholarship. Huft :( and when I wanted to register for the new scholarship, my account can’t be activated. I’ve contacted the contact person. But my email is replied three days later when the register’s time is expired :(

A couple of days ago, I also got the refund stuff from my customer. I sell the message jar. The jar made from the glass. I remember that I’ve been packing it well. But when the jar arrived on my customer’s house, the jar is broken and she wanted to refund it :(

Besides all of the sadness and unlucky things that I got on this month, someone told me secretly that I was toxic for their life and dreams :( It was the most-hurts thing. Till I stop expecting something from someone or even do the reflection first before I do something for people.

Ramadhan is coming now. I can’t fasting on the first day of Ramadhan. I also missed my One Day One Juz Program. I’m so sad :( I miss much time to be closer to Allah.

Now I’m in my home. I’m not saying if I’m not happy in my home. I’m happy and having a lot of meals here. But too many distractions in this house. I live around so many children and they’re noisy. I can’t do my task quietly. I even have to postpone my task just because I’m not focused enough to do that. I also have to cry because I’m so angry but I can’t express it :( I’m trying to not getting angry easily. :(The anger will give negative vibes to them and I don’t wanna be toxic for more people :( It’s enough for me to just be a toxic for my life and for someone who feels that I’m toxic for your life, then I do apologize for it. I won’t do that anymore :(

What people see in me is I’m happy. I keep being productive every day. I did my task smoothly. I always laugh and happy because I’m watching Korean TV Shows.

That’s true. I don’t wanna be depressed just because the sadness comes to me every day. I’m an adult now. I’m 20 years old. I have to handle my own problem. At the end of life, I will live alone. At the end of time, I will solve the problem by myself. Then I just don’t wanna stay in tears too deep and too long. Even this month is one of the saddest month ever.

But…Can’t I be happy too? I wanna feel the happiness even though there’s a lot storm’s trying to break me down J

Cheer,

Nica